Things the average person without a mental illness take for granted, and don’t give much thought to, can be a challenge for someone with  a mental illness (es).

The following are some examples that can help improve your mood, and your mental health :

*making your bed *having a shower *shave*eating properly *making a “to do” list *finishing your “to do” list ( it feels good to get things accomplished) *go for a walk, or do some other kind of exercise *play a sport *meditate *talking/socializing with others (on the phone, or in person) *reading *google, or do some work on your computer *get enough sleep and rest *helping someone else, or volunteering your time *hobbies like arts and crafts *live in the moment, and take one day at a time.

The main aspect to consider is acknowledging these as victories, no matter how small they may seem in the moment. The small victories are what keep us motivated to tackle the larger ones.

What I do every day to get through the day (despite struggling with mental illness)

I struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. I seem to be really good at “making a mountain, out of a mole hill”. The smallest things can be overwhelming for me. Because of this, I procrastinate a lot. With my depression, I lose my inspiration, motivation, and confidence. This can apply to many things. Being excited and inspired by something is a great feeling, but this is the opposite. Depression  affects me mentally, physically, and emotionally. Mainly I have no energy a lot of the time. Having anxiety is no picnic either. Depression affects me the most. The best way for me to combat this, is to try and keep my mind busy with other things, so I don’t dwell on how bad I’m feeling.

Keep moving, Keep going !

In the past, when I was really depressed, I spent a great deal of my time in bed, or laying on the couch. Now, I won’t allow myself to do this. I literally force myself to stay on my feet. Often, it takes all I have to just have a shower, or to stand at the kitchen sink to do the dishes. I have to push myself to do these things, but I do it. I always feel better while doing even a small amount of exercise, including having a shower. I have my own calendar. I write down whatever I need to do, for almost every day. I get a small victory every time I put a check mark beside these tasks.

My daily routine

I’ve had the same daily routine for the last 20 years. It’s a little mundane, but it works for me. I go to bed at the same time every night, and get up at the same time every morning. I always get at least 8 hours of sleep. I eat my meals at the same time, which is especially important because I have type 2 diabetes. And, I eat healthy food. Our dog is getting old, and can’t go for walks anymore, but we used to go for walks every morning after breakfast. Just getting outside, and getting some sun in my eyes helps a lot. I do quite a bit of yard work in the spring, summer, and fall.

I try to do some writing (work on a blog, etc.) almost every afternoon. This is another victory every time I do this. After this, I have a nap before supper. My wife joins me for this on her days off. When she’s working in the evening, I usually work on my writing. On her days off, we watch T.V. at night. We end our nights by reading in bed for about 30 minutes, before going to sleep.
Taking all of my daily medication (including psych meds) is also very important. For the most part, I stay in the moment, and take one day at a time. Keeping my stress as low as possible is extremely important to me.
For really important things, like going out to get my bloodwork done, I may not feel like doing it, but I always manage to push myself to get it done. It will feel good to take credit for these “wins”, even if they are small ones.

Because I’m on a lifetime disability pension, and only get $800.00/month, I spend 95% of my time at home. My wife and I only have one vehicle. This restricts my lifestyle a lot. Writing has become the only job I can do, without becoming mentally ill. I’m extremely fortunate that I have an amazing wife who works, and supports both of us. Any work someone with a mental illness can do, will make them feel better about themselves.
Don’t be hard on yourself. If you don’t get something done today, you can try again tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

I was diagnosed with “manic depression” (bipolar disorder) in 1989. Between 1989-1995, I had 4 full blown manic episodes, and ended up in psychiatric wards every time. Each one was for about 6 weeks. I also lost my job every time this happened. When well enough, I returned to work immediately. Being employed was always my number one goal. Because of stress, most of my jobs didn’t last very long. The longest was for 18 months. For a couple of jobs, it was 2 months or less. I loved my occupation. I was a Canadian PGA golf professional. I worked at golf courses, helping run golf operations, and teaching golf. A dream job for me. Losing these jobs was devastating for me.

In 1996, I was put on a Federal CPP (Canada Pension Plan) Lifetime Disability, and the CPGA (Canadian Professional Golfer’s Association) put me in the “retired” category. I have been on lifetime disability since then. Also in 1996, I was diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder (SAD), and diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) in 2007. These 2 additional mental illnesses made things even more difficult.

I kept paying my CPGA  annual dues for 10 years, (at least $600.00/year), hoping that some day I would be able to come out of retirement, and work as a golf pro again. In 2006, I made the extremely difficult decision that this wasn’t going to happen. I stopped paying my annual dues , and stopped receiving my “pro card”. This was a very sad time for me.

In 1993 & 1994, I was employed as a Class “A” CPGA Head Golf Professional. My monthly salary was only $2,000.00. But, on my own time, I gave lessons. For group lessons, I was paid $100.00/hour. I was a good teacher, and loved doing it. My plans were to decrease my Pro Shop hours, and to increase my lesson hours.

When I started on CPP lifetime disability in 1996, I was getting paid $520.00/month. I was also getting B.C. (British Columbia) benefits, which was $250.00/month, from the Provincial Government. The B.C. benefits also covered the cost of my medications, including my psych meds. This was at least $1,000.00/month. I was living with my mom at this time.

In 2000, I moved in with Elli. My social worker said we were living in a “common law” relationship, and that our combined income was too high. She immediately cut me off from my B.C. benefits. All of a sudden, my $770.00/month income went down to $520.00/month. And, my medications were no longer covered. I would have to pay for this myself. How was I supposed to do this? Elli makes average money. Our combined income was way below average for B.C. I told my social worker that the government needs to look at the expenses, along with the income. The fact was that my expenses were higher living with Elli, than with my mom.

My mom’s home was paid off. I gave her some money for groceries, and she looked after everything else. Elli and I live in a mobile home. At the time, Elli was paying a mortgage, and monthly pad fee. Then, there was all the other cost of living expenses. My social worker agreed with me, but said that’s the way it was, and she couldn’t do anything about it.

$800.00/month is ridiculous

Fast forward to today. Elli’s been working, and supporting me for the last 25 years. I have mixed feelings. I’m incredibly lucky and grateful to have such an amazing wife, but I wish I was the one working, and supporting her. I’m still on CPP lifetime disability, and currently (2025), I am getting a ridiculous low amount of $800.00/month. This is very close to the same amount that I was getting 30 years ago. Luckily, Elli has a great health care plan with her work, and is able to pay for my medications. Also, Canada has an excellent health care system. I’ve never had to pay anything for all of my hospital stays (psychiatric wards), or for all of my psychiatric appointments.

While I only get $800.00/month, psychiatrists in Canada are being paid an average of about $250,000/year. The CEO of CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) is paid over $200,000/year. There are many other people working in the mental health industry, who are making a lot of money. These people are getting wealthy, while my comrades and I are forced to live a life of poverty. This simply isn’t fair at all.

Minimum wage in B.C. is $17.60. My CPP lifetime disability payment of $800.00/month, based on a 40 hour work week equals $5.00/hour. When I told a judge I know how much I was getting, she said “how can anyone live on that?” I said “you can’t”. My $800.00 goes straight toward paying for groceries and household expenses. In Canada, the average annual salary is $55,000. $23,000 or less is the poverty level (I get $9,600/year). The majority of people with mental illness on CPP lifetime disability in British Columbia also get  B.C. benefits. This totals $1,400/month. ($16,800/year). This is almost twice as much as I’m getting, but still way below the poverty level.

I would like to advocate for my comrades and myself. Why should we have to live on such a small amount of money, while others working in the industry are making huge profits from us ?

P.S.

I would like to make a point by saying although everything I’ve stated is true, there are countless people all over the world, who are living a life of poverty that is much worse .

 

 

 

 

 

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When I’m doing well, I am naturally an upbeat, positive, and outgoing person. My depression is described as “refractory”, which means difficult to treat. I have bipolar depression (a chemical imbalance), and “chronic” depression. (lasting at least 2 years). There’s still way too much stigma towards mental illness, including depression. Even one of my best friends of over 40 years has stigma towards my depression.

After going through 10 years of hell, mostly with depression, I was finally put on the right combination of psychiatric medications (including antidepressants). Then, I was doing quite well for the next 20 years. In 2022, the “thief” came back. I’m talking about depression. I call it the thief because it robs me of several things. The thief robs me of my motivation, inspiration, and confidence. This makes promoting my book, and doing many other things very difficult. It seems like the antidepressant medications I was taking for all those years, and helped me so much, had lost their effect. Over 2 years later, I’m still battling depression. I’ve tried several different antidepressant meds, but so far, none of them have improved my mood. This is extremely frustrating.

For 2 years, I’ve been sugar coating my depression. I hide it well. I just want to be as positive as possible. When someone asks me how I’m doing, l say “I’m O.K. A little on the low side, a little depressed, but not nearly as bad as it used to be”. This is true, but what I don’t say is that I still think about suicide every day. Only my wife and psychiatrist knew this. In the past, I thought about suicide constantly, at  least 8 hours a day. Now, it’s more on and off. Maybe a total of about 30 minutes a day. It’s still difficult, but much better.

Even One  Of My Best Friends Has Stigma

I’m lucky to have several good friends. One day, I told one of my best friends that I was still getting thoughts of suicide. He had no compassion at all. He actually said “I think people who commit suicide are selfish”. This same friend (of over 40 years), has also been very adamant about me working a normal job. He told me “Get a job! Earn some income!” He also said that “Work is the best medicine”. (I have always heard that “laughter “ was the best medicine!).

I’ve tried my very best to stay employed over the years, but I simply couldn’t do this because of severe bipolar disorder. Several times while I was working as a golf pro, I had full blown manic episodes, lost my job, and ended up in the psych ward. My subsequent severe depressed episodes usually lasted for about 8 months.

My friend is a smart guy. He’s been very successful in business. I would estimate that his net worth is at least $15-$20 million. He’s been fortunate in many ways, including having good mental and physical health his whole life. But, his attitude towards my depression, and dictating to me that I should be working, is both arrogant and ignorant. He has stigma towards depression, and doesn’t understand how debilitating it can be. My other friends, and family members understand my situation a lot better. Most importantly, my wife knows me much better than anyone else. She keeps telling me that writing is my job. One time, someone close to me told me to “Snap out of it!” when I was depressed. This was ignorant (stigma) too.

I’m a numbers guy. I’m always crunching numbers. I have calculated that I’ve spent well over 60,000 hours thinking about suicide. That’s why I think it’s still so “close to the surface” of my mind. These thoughts just pop into my head “automatically”. It’s like muscle memory. They are intrusive thoughts. It’s still very difficult, and I’ve had to be incredibly strong dealing with this for so many years. I haven’t even had one suicide attempt, however, I did come extremely close to killing myself one time. This story is in my book.

Obviously, hearing that someone is having thoughts of suicide will probably raise a red flag. But, for me, I have no intention to act on these thoughts. No plans for this. For one thing, I could never do this to my wife. It would totally break her heart. Because I have no intention, my psychiatrist isn’t overly concerned about it. People who are close to me, if they read this, might be quite surprised, or even a bit shocked that I’ve been getting thoughts of suicide for the last couple of years. I just mostly kept this to myself, because I didn’t want others to worry about me. Especially, when I don’t have any plans to end my life.

My depression is equal parts mental, physical, and emotional. All systems down. No energy. It’s a terrible feeling. It often takes everything I have just to have a shower. For me, the best thing I can do to avoid dwelling on how bad I’m feeling with my depression, is to distract my mind by thinking about other things. Keeping my mind busy by writing, typing, doing emails, and googling information helps me a lot.

I do encourage anyone who’s having thoughts of suicide to talk with others about this. This is a very difficult conversation to have for most people, but an extremely important one. I don’t condone suicide, and my heart goes out to anyone who’s lost a loved one to suicide. And, I have compassion for those who are in a depressed state of mind. I understand both sides. For those who are depressed, hang in there. It may not seem like it in the moment, but things will get better !

 

 

 

 

A special thanks to all of my readers for your support and kind comments. You have inspired me to increase my blogs from this point on, and into the future!

Sincerely,

Don Walin

 

I want to give a shout out to Robert Howell who lives in Pelham, Georgia. Robert is a mental health advocate who I have connected with recently. He has worked in the mental health industry for the last 25 years in Georgia. Robert is also the Tournament Director for a golf tournament in Pelham, Georgia, which he has done for 9 years. Money raised from this event goes toward helping those with mental illness. This years event will be held on Sunday November 3.

Robert is an avid golfer himself, and spends time teaching golf to his clients living with mental illness. He’s doing a lot of great work, and I have been enjoying corresponding with him.
Robert has also been supporting me with my own mental health advocacy. This includes buying a couple of copies of my book. He’s going to raffle one off for his golf tournament, and kept the other one for himself. He’s being telling me that my book is “very good “. His opinion is important to me, because of his vast knowledge and experience with bipolar disorder, and mental health in general.

* His website for the golf tournament is: www.whiddontuckermemorial.com

*The golf course is: Pinecrest Country Club, Pelham, Georgia  The date: Sunday, November 3/2024

*Robert Howell (Tournament Director) (229) 343-0269

BookAuthority

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“The Crazy Golf Pro- My Journey With Bipolar Disorder” has won the following awards with BookAuthority:

1. 20 Best New Golf Books To Read In 2022 & 2023. Ranked #1.

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4. 10 Best New Bipolar Disorder Ebooks To Read In 2022 & 2023. Ranked #2.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spiritual Enlightenment

1% of 2% of 1%- Very Rare!

Have you ever met someone who thought they were God? Usually, this question is asked figuratively, or metaphorically, but I mean literally.

Usually, someone who “thinks they are God” have a big ego, and are considered to be arrogant by others.

During most of my manic episodes, I thought I was Jesus Christ. During my last manic episode, I thought I was both God and Jesus. Literally. One thing I find interesting about this is that I wasn’t arrogant, and had a very small ego, if any.

While thinking I was God and Jesus, I still always knew that I was Don Walin. My psychiatrist told me this was very important.

When I told one person that I thought I was God when I was manic, his reply was “ that must have been a trip”. But, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t have any rush, or high. No ecstasy. I just felt like my normal self, along with the usual manic confidence. I didn’t make a big deal about being God either. I didn’t go around telling everyone I was God, and didn’t try to convince people to believe me. The same thing applies to thinking I was Jesus. People just called me Don, and I was totally fine with that.

Because of my God and Jesus episodes, and many more experiences with the spirit world (while in states of mania, and “normal” mood states), I have become extremely interested in “spirituality”. Over the last 20 years, I have read at least 25 books about spirituality. I have also read many books about the brain, mind, consciousness, spirit/soul, and bipolar disorder itself. The more I learn, the more sense my spiritual experiences make to me.

I’ve always thought my spiritual experiences were real, but now I’m more convinced than ever.

According to my psychiatrist, 1% of the population has bipolar disorder. 2% of these people have thought they were Jesus Christ when in a state of mania, and only 1% have thought they were God.

Because of this, I believe I experienced a very rare state of spiritual enlightenment when I thought I was myself (Don Walin), God, and Jesus at the same time. It’s not a mystery, or a miracle. I simply became a part of one with God and Jesus, who are a part of  me to begin with. My elevated state of consciousness was a key factor.

Mostly, I’m just a normal person. And, I think it’s possible for any “normal” person to experience what I have. Having said that, I think that being bipolar might help a bit. There is definitely a strong link between mania and spirit.

Regarding my spiritual experiences, many psychiatrists have diagnosed me as being “delusional”, and in a state of “psychosis”. Afterwards, I came up with my own “mania spirit theory”, which I explain in my book. When I discussed this with my psychiatrist of 20 years, he said to me “I don’t think you are delusional”. It was great to hear him say those words to me !